Letters to Philipp – I

Lovely friend,

It’s been two weeks since you’re gone and I’m trying to find a way to cope with the facts. The fact that you’re not here, walking somewhere down on this planet anymore. I’ve known you for a year and although I always thought that we would become closer friends, one year seems so short now. I wish that I’d have known you longer and that we’d have talked more on the phone.

That’s the sad thing that’s hurting me the most. I can’t do nothing but wish that it was all different. The last months you got into some kinda relationship and our contact was not that much anymore. I was also feeling a bit sad about it, but I was totally okay with giving you the space to spend time on your new love. Now I wish that we’d have stayed in touch. That we’d have continued talking for hours and hours. No matter how busy we were.

Now I understand that dissapointment leads nowhere. If you’re unhappy about a situation you have to speak it out. If I just told you that I wanted to talk even more often, you’d have never turned me down. But this was the way how I dealt with my dissapointments. This was always how I took my hands off things and people, when I felt like they were too busy.

I’ve always been scared to be too much for people. That the way I care would have been too much, that my love would have been too much. I remember recording another voice message and almost yelling that we would become such good friends and how happy I felt that I found you, my talking buddy. At that moment I felt so enthusiastic but also a bit shy. Because once again I felt like my happiness was too much.

I’ve always been scared to show my love towards people in situations where I wasn’t sure if they loved me back. I think it went that far that I made up some kind of believe that I can only show love towards those who show love towards me. Because as soon as I heard that you were dating, I felt like too much again. Now you had a girlfriend and there was no room for me I thought. So I distanced myself a bit.

Now I wish I didn’t. Now I wish that we made plans to meet each other the last time you came to The Netherlands. Now I wish that I’d have seen you once more time. That I would’ve hugged you and stroked your cheeks and told you how beautiful you are. Now I can’t speak to you anymore. I can’t ask how you’re doing in life. You ain’t there on the other side of the phone.

I wish I could tell you how much I appreciated our conversations and your existence. With you I started talking again about so many things I never talked about with someone. I felt so safe to share these things with you and I loved your openness towards me.

I wish we could’ve stayed in the loft, you said you wanted to live in so badly, and talked for hours face to face. We would let all our emotions in and hug each other with tears in our eyes. One year ago you said “Hey lovely girl” and it went on from there. Now I’m dying to message you with “Hey lovely boy, how are you doing?”.

I miss you so bad already. That’s all I know. Because I don’t know how I feel. My head is so empty. I can barely feel anything. I think the realization isn’t there yet. I’m scared that it will get harder without you, day after day. I can’t share my happy or sad moments with you anymore. I hope writing you will help a lot and I hope you’re still outta somewhere, reading these letters. Understanding how much I love you and planning together with me to make this all happen one day, in another world, in another life.

Remain in love, light and peace beautiful friend. One day we’ll get back together.

Big hug and big kisses from your space monkey.

(This post is dedicated to my lovely friend Philipp, we’ve lost this year.. May he rest in peace.)

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