Time is moving so slow. I’m still confused and didn’t find another way to let my emotions out. I set your picture as my background on my phone. Now everytime I open the screen to check what time it is, I can see your beautiful face. First I wasn’t sure if seeing your picture again and again would or would’nt torture me by making me feel sad. But it doesn’t. Instead, everytime I see you, I get a smile upon my face. I can feel my heart glowing up and getting warm and full of love. I think you’re sending me strength from above. Strength to cope with this situation.
Last night I saw you in my dreams, I don’t remember the dream it self but I know it was you. When I woke up I felt good, I felt okay. I hope I will continue seeing you in my dreams, so for at least these days it won’t feel like you’re gone. I still find it hard to believe, it’s still not real to me.
Today I decided to get a tattoo as soon as I get back from holiday. I want the thing (space monkey) you always called me tatted somewhere on my body. I always loved this name and it really describes me too. I don’t like to name myself a nationality, because I never felt like it described me correctly. I’m just a human being that’s living on planet earth. This is the way I see it and because everything we see is an illusion, it’s all space. We’re just wandering through the space, we call the universe. Together with my craziness, it definitely makes me into a space monkey. You couldn’t give me a better name. I hope you’ll like the tattoo too.
I’m also planning on getting a necklace with your initials. I feel a strong desire to keep you with me. Maybe it seems a bit silly from up above, maybe it doesn’t, but I want to remember you every now and then. Maybe I’m scared to lose you, maybe I’m scared to forget you. Maybe I’m scared that I will forget the pain you must have felt. Maybe I’m scared that I will forget to send you my love and light. I don’t know which one it is, maybe it’s all of them. All I know is that I feel this desire and that I’m going to make it real.
Because that’s also one of the most important things I’m learning now. No matter how you think about things, never underestimate your intuition. Never ignore the feeling you have. Because now I will always wish that I’d have been there for you in the last months. Because I wanted to but I stopped myself. I wish I opened up even more about the way I felt.
Forgive me. Forgive me if I distanced myself from you. Forgive me that I wasn’t there for you when you needed someone the most. Forgive me for not even noticing that it was going downwards. I wish we’d have made more time for each other. Maybe that’s the reason why I’m doing all of this. Maybe I want to make it up to you. Maybe I want you to know how much I did and do love you and how much I appreciated you. If that’s the reason behind, I’ll continue. Because you deserve to know how much you are loved. You deserve to know all of this.
Your space monkey.
(This post is dedicated to my lovely friend Philipp, we’ve lost this year.. May he rest in peace.)